After I worte the post reply, I took one more hard look at things from a whole different angle. I noticed a serious deformation in the entire top of the keg. I got it to seal with a 5lb sledge and a drift. I beat the shiznit out of it until it just gave up and acted right.
Sometimes a bit of pisstivity and 5lbs of steel will make things right.

I'm not a slacker in society. I'm an over achieving homeless person.
Drunk posting should be reserved for The RAT PAD!!