JOKES

[Crut]

Celebrity jeopardy character Sean Connery:

SC: Trebek I have a joke for you.
AT: What is it?
SC: Whats the difference between you and a sick duck?
SC: Ones a mallard with a cold, and...well I dont remember the rest of the joke... but your mother is a WHOOORE. (in his scottish accent)
HAHAHAHA

[CoreySmith]

Celebrity jeopardy character Sean Connery:

SC: Trebek I have a joke for you.
AT: What is it?
SC: Whats the difference between you and a sick duck?
SC: Ones a mallard with a cold, and...well I dont remember the rest of the joke... but your mother is a WHOOORE. (in his scottish accent)
HAHAHAHA

Those Connery skits are pure gold. I catch them online every now and then just for a quick laugh. I particularly like the "FrenchFli[u]cks", "PenIsMightier" and "AnAlbumCover" episodes.

-Suck it Trebek, suck it long, and suck it hard!

[hotrod38]

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

[dresselbrew]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can.

The bartender asks, "My goodness, why are you drinking so fast?'

The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have."

The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?"

The guy responds, "An empty wallet."

[hotrod38]

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[BDawg]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken

[hotrod38]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[Crut]

All,

A heads up for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21-year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts
almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead
ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in
the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you,
while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.