JOKES

[NumbSkull]

A North Dakota farmer had a prized bull go cross eyed. Afraid he would no longer be able to sell the services of his bull the farmer made the decision to call the vet. The vet came out to the farm took one look at the bull and grabbed a lenght of hose from his truck. He inserted the hose in the bulls butt and instructed the farmer to tell him when the bulls eyes were no longer crossed. The vet began blowing on the hose and sure enough the bulls eyes eventually went straight. The farmer was astounded and gladly paid up the $100 fee the vet determined.

A few weeks later the farmers cousin from Minnesota was visiting. He pointed out to the farmer that his prized bull had crossed eyes. The farmer became distressed but remembered what the vet had done to fix the problem before. Deciding he did not need to pay out another $100 the farmer cut him a lenght of hose and did as the vet did. He inserted the hose and instructed his cousin to tell him when the bulls eyes were straightened out. The farmer huffed and puffed on the hose and got the eyes close to straight when he ran out of breath. He asked his cousin to take a turn on the hose and he agreed. The cousin from Minnesota pulled the hose out of the bulls butt and inserted the other end. The farmer asked him what he was doing. The cousin from Minnesota said "You didn't think I would put the end you had in your mouth in mine did you?"

Mort

[hotrod38]

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

[Crut]

The IRS decides to audit Rick, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Rick shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Rick. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Rick says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Rick removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Rick says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Rick isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Rick removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Rick's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Rick asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Rick stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Rick's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Rick told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[hotrod38]

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[Bugeater]

A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.

There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[linuxelf]

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference. They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[NumbSkull]

Poofter? That is about the funniest thing I have ever heard. I'm going to call Milt a poofter the next time I see him. I better duck right after.

Mort

[Airgead]

Poofter? That is about the funniest thing I have ever heard. I'm going to call Milt a poofter the next time I see him. I better duck right after.

Mort

This is what you get if you order a low alcohol beer in the outback -