JOKES

[Field]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb doesn't need to change, you need to change.


How many women does it take to change a lighbulb?

You can't just change it, what color is the new one? Thats going to
clash with the walls. I wanted the one that looks like a candle I didn't want the plain one. What you mean there are different sizes of bulbs, only a man would make something so complicated. Why is it brighter in here now? No I'm fine. It's so bright in here now the couch looks dingy. My mother is going to hate this, bright lights give her migraines, why did you have to get one thats so bright. I said I was fine! Ugh I hate that lamp.

[hotrod38]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

[ZZ]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:

Dear P. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed your assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

[Mrs_Henning]

One evening, a man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of whiskey. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of whiskey. "Gee, buddy, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.

To which the man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

[santamarina]

What does Snoop Dogg use to whiten his teeth?

BLE-ACH!

(This one may be better when said out loud)

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
For the Drizzle!

[hotrod38]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

[Crut]

[TimC]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna 's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry... but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"