JOKES

[Thirsty Mallard]

I remembered this one and it was too priceless not to share!

A penguin is driving down the road when his car breaks down. He gets it towed to a nearby mechanic who tells him he will need about an hour to look the car over and figure out what was wrong. So, to kill time, the penguin went to the ice cream parlor across the street and got a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. Of course, since he only had fins, he couldn't use a spoon so he just stuck his head in the bowl and ate with wreckless abandon getting ice cream all over his face. After an hour, the penguin goes back to the mechanic for the diagnosis. The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream."

[hotrod38]

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

[hotrod38]

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

[Thirsty Mallard]

What does Snoop Dogg use to whiten his teeth?

BLE-ACH!

(This one may be better when said out loud)

[hotrod38]

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

[Thirsty Mallard]

Which reminds me of this one...

A new soldier had just joined the ranks in Iraq a few months back and he was starting to feel... lonely. So he asked the other guys, "Hey, what do you do when you start getting horny around here?" They tell him, "Well, there's always Old Joe the camel." The soldier says, "What?! No way, I'm not that desperate."

Well, months go by, and it is getting unbearable. So the soldier goes and says to the guys, "Alright, I can't take it anymore. Where is Old Joe?" So they lead him out back. The young soldier strips down and starts having crazy sex with the camel. He finally finishes, and heads back to the barracks where he sees the other guys laughing up a storm, and says to them, "What's so funny?"

They say, "Well, we hope you had fun, but usually guys just ride Old Joe the camel to the whorehouse over those dunes over there!"

[bub]

Which reminds me of one....
A bunch of marines are stationed in a remote area... (you pick it) when one asks the others what they do to relieve themselves...
They reply we go over the hill and do it with the sheep... well being a good religious boy he immediatly discounts that option...
After several months he can't take it anymore so he strolls over the hill and straps on some wool if you know what I mean... when he's done he's walking back and all the other marines are laughing at him...
He says "what? why you laughing?"
They say... " you picked the ugliest one."

BUB

[Bugeater]

This guy moves up to the Alaskan wilderness to make a living digging for gold and doing a little fur trapping. On Saturday nights he always goes into town for a few beers and a little diversion. Unfortunately no one will have anything to do with him. After a couple of weeks of this he asks the bartender what the problem is.

The bartender tells him that the other guys will ignore him until he proves that he is a real man. "Well how do I do that?", says the guy. The bartender tells him that he has to pass three tests. First he has to drink 2 quarts of Canadian whiskey in one sitting. Next, he has to immediately go out and kill a polar bear. Then he has to fuck an Eskimo woman.

The guy thinks "I can do this", and he orders 2 quarts of whiskey and chugs them down and heads out the door. An hour later he comes staggering back in all bloody and his clothes torn to shreds. He then shouts to the bartender, "Where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"


Wayne
Bugeater Brewing Company