JOKES

[Bugeater]

Did you hear the one about the insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic?




He stayed up all night long wondering if there really was a dog.




Wayne
Bugeater Brewing Company

[Thirsty Mallard]

How many people with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I like cake!

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter, they're never going to change anything.

Did you hear about the new courdaroy pillowcases?
They're making headlines.

Three tampons are walking down the street, which one talks to you first?
None, they're all stuck up bitches.

[Thirsty Mallard]

A horse and a chicken were walking through the forest when the chicken ended up getting stuck in some quicksand. The horse quickly straddled the quicksand pit and lowered his penis for the chicken to grab hold of and he pulled him out. A few days later the chicken was walking through the forest with a pig when he got stuck in the same quicksand pit. The pig quickly went back to the farm and got the farmer's Porsche and a rope. When he got back to the pit, he threw the rope over a tree like a pulley and used the car to pull the chick out of the quicksand.

The moral of the story... if your hung like a horse you don't need a hot car to pick up chicks.

[hotrod38]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[Crut]

Not really a joke, but my buddy sent this to me. For all you star wars fans.
I laughed so hard, but found myself jammin along with it.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1776532

[Mrs_Henning]

Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny,what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"

"OK,what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck,Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[Triple Freak]

An old farmer decides he wants to raise chickens. So, he goes to town to buy some chickens & a rooster. He buys 10 chickens for $20, but the guy selling the rooster wants $500 for him. The old farmer wants to know why the rooster is so expensive. The other guy takes the rooster out of it's cage & turns him loose. Immediately, the rooster starts fucking everything in sight. He fucks all 10 chickens, a pig, 3 cows, 2 horses, and a flock of seagulls. The old farmer is amazed & buys him.
When he takes him back to the farm, the rooster starts fucking everything in sight. The old farmer tells the rooster he better watch out or he'll fuck himself to death. The next morning, the farmer finds the rooster laying motionless in a field, with his eyes closed. The farmer tells the rooster "I told you so."
The rooster opens one eye & points up. The rooster whispers "Shh, vultures."

[Bugeater]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm
gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
You and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.