JOKES

[fluffhead]

Bump!

A Bear and a Rabbit taking a shit behind the same tree.
Bear asks the rabbit, "hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
No, says the rabbit.
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass

[speed]

my wife told me today that i am her sexual advisor, if she wants any fucking advice out of me she will ask for it.

[snowcapt]

There was a boy playing in the farm field when
his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way
in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when
he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of
cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom
says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you
kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his
father walks into the kitchen and accidentally
kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want
me to tell him or should you?"

[mike____]

[Ozwald]

An American taking a bicycle tour of Europe stops for a pint at Scottish pub, sitting down next to an old grizzled local staring at his pint. Without provokation, the old Scot looks up at the traveller and says,

"You know this old cobbled road leading up to this pub? I built that road by hand, stone by stone, but do they call me Seamus the road builder? No." His voice trailing off as he goes back to studying his beer for a second.

"And up this road is a small church. I built that church by hand, stone by stone, but do they call me Seamus the church builder? No." Again returning his gaze to his pint for a brief moment.

"And past that church is the bridge. I build that bridge by hand, stone by stone, but do they call me Seamus the bridge builder? No." And after a somewhat long pause,

"But you fuck just one sheep..."

[PorkSlapper]

So Im staying the night in this shithole hotel in downtown Seattle. I'm walking home from dinner when this hooker approaches me and says that she will do anything for 20 dollars. I ask her you mean absolutely anything? She responds anything for 20 dollars. I say ok, here's a paintbrush and a pair of coveralls, go paint my fucking house!

[EllisTX]

A rancher has a rooster that has been wreaking havoc on the farm. He won't quit fucking everything. Goats, cats, cows, dogs... The list goes on. Finally one day the rancher gets fed up. The rooster had to go. So he takes him far out into his farthest hay field and leaves him. As he's driving away he sees the rooster fall over dead through his rearview mirror. Guilt immediately hits him. He turns the truck around and gets to the rooster in tears. The farmer says "God, what have I done? I've let one of my animals die."
The rooster picks his head up and points to the sky and says, "SSHHHHHH, buzzards."

[snowcapt]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls
and they all
perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly
gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany,
have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my
finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in
the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a
male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well,
once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in
the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to
the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says,
"Reeva, what seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle
that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica
sticks her ass in it!"