JOKES

[larry78cj7]

A guy and his wife are playing golf.
The guy hooks his drive behind a barn.
His says out loud. "I will have to lay up to the right under that tree. Then hit it back towards the fare way."
His wife says "Thats crazy, the back door of the barn is open. If I hold open the front door you can hit straight through"
The guy agrees and pulls out a 3 iron and tries to hit though the barn.
The ball hits his wife in the temple and kills her on the spot.
2 years later, the guy is playing golf on the same course with his best friend.
He hooks his drive on the same hole and ends up in the same spot.
His says out loud. "I will have to lay up to the right under that tree. Then hit it back towards the fare way."
His friend says "Thats crazy, the back door of the barn is open. If I hold open the front door you can hit straight through"
The guys says "HELL NO! I did that 2 years ago and got an eight on this hole!"

[hotrod38]

Subject: The welfare office
>
>
> A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?'
>
> 'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
>
> She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
>
> 'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'
>
> In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'
>
> Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin'. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'
>
> The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
>
> 'Then I calls them by their last names.'

[Crooked_S]

cheazy I know, ut im a sucker for cheazy and pun jokes!

Here's a classic for you then...


A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

Two nuns walk into a bar.
...You'd think the second one would've noticed.

[Dirk McLargeHuge]

Old Butch



John was in the fertilized egg business.



He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.



He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.



This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.



Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.



Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!



When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.



To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.



He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.



John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.



Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

[Dirk McLargeHuge]

Vat Da Hell, Ole ?

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

[Blowmax10]

[fluffhead]

An oldie but hey..

John Kerry walks into a bar..Bartender says "Hey, whats with the long face?"

[Reposado]

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling quite queasy.
A few minutes go by and the guy looks at her and blows chunks everywhere.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"