JOKES

[Thirsty Mallard]

Here are a few from my fiance (kindergarten teacher)

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine! (7 8 9)

What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!


And some Halloween jokes:

Why couldn't the ghost have kids? He had a hollow-weenie.

Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with!

Why do witches ride on brooms? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!

Where do ghosts go out? Wherever they can get sheet-faced!

[hotrod38]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

[disco]

And the sexist classics:

Why does a bride wear white? So the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator.

What kind of watch do you buy your wife? None, there is a clock on the stove.

How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who cares, let the bitch cook in the dark.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, because you've already told her twice.

[Crut]

Tarzan and Jane meet in the jungle for the first time and upon chatting, the topic of sex comes up. Jane asked Tarzan how he used his tool when it stood at attention. Tarzan grunted that he would find a tree with a hole in it and go to town.
Apalled, Jane took it upon herself to educate him and layed on the ground and spread her legs. She pointed and said it goes here. Tarzan, looking slightly confused walks up to her and kicks her in the crotch with alll his might.
As she lay on the ground groaning with pain, she asked what the hell he did that for, to which Tarzan grunted "hmm, Tarzan checking for Bees"

[TimC]

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a guessing game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked "Do you know what it is?" Jimmy replied "No". The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Jimmy said "Nooooo." The teacher said, "I"ll give you a hint..it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT...IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"

[TimC]

SIGNS THAT YOU DRINK TOO MUCH
-------------------------------------------
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is...uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

[TimC]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[hotrod38]

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"