JOKES

[Blowmax10]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said, "he won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor, "give him an 'Irish Viagra'. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Blowmax10]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible

to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[1010Brewing]

Ok I got one...

A guy comes home from a long day at work and he finds his girlfriend packing up all of her stuff,
he asks " what are you doing"
she says " I am leaving you"
he asks " why"
she says " I found out some disturbing information about you"
he says " what, we can work it out, nothing can get in the way of our love""
she says " I heard that you were a pedophile"
he says " oh wow, what a big word for a twelve year old"

another one, a little less shocking...

.. jesus, moses and an old guy are playing golf... moses tees off first, he slices the ball and it goes into the pond by the green, so he goes to the pond parts the water goes in and hits the ball into the hole. The jesus steps up and tees off, slices the ball into the same pond, he goes up to the pond walks out on the water, he raises the ball up and hits it into the hole. Then the old guy tees off, hits the ball and it slices towards the same pond but right before it goes into the water, a fish jumps out, grabs the ball in mid air but before the fish gets back into the water a hawk swopes down grabs the fish and flies over the green fish drops ball right into hole. Moses says to jesus "man I hate playing with your dad"

[ApresSkiBrewer]

Excellent. Truly Excellent.

[Bugeater]

Happy Little Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[bcmaui]

So this guy goes up to the bartender and asks for a shot. He downs the shot then places the glass at one end of the bar, then walks about half way down the bar and motions for the bartender to come over.

He says, “Hey Bartender! You see that shot glass down at the end of the bar?”

The bartender says, “Yea.”

The guy says, “I’ll be you $300 that I can piss into that shot glass and not spill a single drop.”

The bartender laughs, and says, “Wait, you’re telling me that want to bet me $300 that you can piss into that shot glass half way down the bar, and not spill a drop?”

The guy says, “Yea.” The bartender says, “Dude, you’ve got a bet!”

So the guy gets up on the bar, he stands up, whips it out and steadies himself. He’s holding his dick, he’s looking at the shot glass, he’s sizing up what he needs to do…Then WHOOOSH! The guy starts pissing!

And he’s pissing all over the place. He’s pissing on the bar, on the stools, on the floor, he’s pissing on the cash register, and he’s even pissing on the bartender!

And the bartender’s just sitting there laughing at him! Knowing he’s just made $300!

So the guy finishes, and he zips up and the bartender yells, “Dude! You owe me $300!!!!”

The guy looks at the bartender, then holds his hand up and says, “Hang on, just a minute,” then walks over to a couple of guys sitting at a table in the far corner of the bar who saw the whole thing go down.

He walks back to the bar and peels off three one hundred dollar bills for the bartender. “There ya go!” he smiles.

The bartender looks at him and says, “What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300!”

“Yea,” the dude says, “but you see those two guys over there (he points to the guys at the back of the bar). Well, I just bet those guys $500 a piece, that I could piss on your bar, piss on your stools, piss on your floor, piss on your cash register, and piss on you, and you’d be happy about it!”

[tavish2]

that was funny Quentin....

[Blowmax10]

An English lady delivers a speech at a women’s conference: 'After last year’s event, I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day, I saw that he had cooked a lovely roast lamb.'
Then an American lady stands up: 'I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day, I saw that he had not only done his own washing but my washing as well.'
A third speaker, from Australia, stands up: 'I went home and told my husband that he would have to get his own beers. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But after the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.'