JOKES

[Thirsty Mallard]

That reminds me of one I know. Can't remember if I posted it already and I'm too lazy to go back and find out... so here goes.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of the finest whiskey the bar has. The bartender lays out the glasses and starts pouring each. As he fills each cup, the guy takes each immediately and drinks it.

The bartender finishes and says, "Why are you drinking these so fast, buddy?" The man says, "You'd be drinking fast too if you had what I have." Bartender says, "What do you have?" The guys says, "Three bucks."


A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender, "Barkeep, let's get a round of shots for me and everyone here, and get one for yourself too!" The bar cheers and the bartender pours the shots, passes them out, and everyone toasts to the guy. The bartender says, "That will be $85.00." The guy says, "Oh, I don't have any money." The bartender then becomes angry, jumps over the bar and proceeds to beat the hell out of the guy and throws him out of the bar.

Five minutes later the man comes back in and says, "Barkeep, let's get a round of shots for me and everyone here! But not one for you, you get angry when you drink."

[Bugeater]

Damn! I can't even get lucky on the interwebs.

Wayne

[triple-oh-six]

lol bug
I needed a laugh today

[Bugeater]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[meisterofpuppets]

[Dubba_Brew]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme 5 double-shots of whiskey!"

The bartender says to the guy, "are you sure about that?"

"Hell yeah I'm sure... I just found out that my little brother is gay!"

The bartender tells him he's sorry to hear that... pours the drinks and walks away.

Then next night the same man walks into the bar ans says to the bartender, "Gimme 5 double-shots of whiskey!"

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong tonight?"

The mans says, "I just found out the my older brother is gay!"

The bartender tells him he's sorry... pours the drinks and walks away.

A couple nights later... that same guy walks into the bar and says, "Gimme 5 double-shots of whiskey!"

The bartender looks at him and asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like having sex with women?"

The man says, "Sure... my wife!"

[Bugeater]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[Henway]

nice....